Couples often tell me they like their hot sex life and wonder why my partner, Tim and I are so enchanted by slow sex. The answer is simple. We both liked our hot sex life too but we were aware – as Tim had been reading spiritual teacher Barry Long’s books like – Making Love: Sexual Love the Divine Way – that there was another kind of making love available which meant we could rise to new levels of connection with each other in a soul/spiritual way.
Over the years, we have gradually learnt to be with each other in a different way, in a more present way, in a more heart-open way, in a way where we profoundly relax into each other because orgasm is not the goal, we find that another more soulful sexual energy arises.
Sometimes, I describe our sex life before as like paddling in a stream, whereas now we are swimming freely in the wide-open ocean. It’s a time we decide to spend together consciously where we might be gazing at one another while Tim’s penis is inside me, or he might be holding my breasts, or I might be holding his penis. Or simply lying together naked gently caressing each other. This and much more is all slow sex.
There is a misnomer with regards to slow sex, it does not mean being still all the time. Slow sex refers to the idea that you become more conscious and aware of what you are doing and how you are doing it, it means to take time to become present in your own body so that you can truly be present with each other. That’s the most significant guideline and it does take time and practice.
The other day I was talking to a male friend and he said that he and his ex-partner of 8 years, never gazed at each other when they were making love. He sounded sad when he said it. Often because it requires a level of vulnerability, couples find it difficult to connect intimately while having sex. Over the years, this is what we have discovered and why we’re so keen to support other couples find this new level with each other.
However there are no rules involved. Slow sex may include a lot of movement, and it may not. It’s very much about the freedom to be real with each other and to inhabit that moment as fully as possible. And it’s not about taking hours to do it. Sometimes, we spend as little as 20 or 30 minutes connecting in this way, and it’s enough to ground us in loving relationship which helps us feel bonded with ourselves and with each other for the rest of the day.
I recommend slow sex on other levels as well. For instance, it enhances my sense of well-being, my inner peace and increases my levels of loving generosity too, which in turn affects my other relationships and interactions in the world. It also has an effect on my creativity. I have some of my best ideas while hanging out making love.
In her book Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sex, Diana Richardson describes slow sex as a revolutionary practice for couples to enhance sexuality and reach a higher state of consciousness. She also talks about how slow sex is a way to increase sensitivity and that is certainly what has happened to Tim and I. Sex that focuses on orgasm as a goal means you are constantly looking ahead, not really present, while slow sex enables you both to simply focus on the myriad of subtle delightful feelings all along the way.
5 Keys to Slow Sex
1) Slow sex turns sex into a conscious decision rather than an accidental encounter.
2) Focusing on eye contact, subtle sensations and deep breathing, slow sex awakens the body’s innate mechanism for ecstasy.
3) Slow sex transforms sex into a meditative, loving union of complementary equal and opposite forces and energies.
4) With the emphasis on coolness rather than heat, this practice provides couples with a way to achieve higher consciousness.
5) The practice of slow sex includes deep penetration as well as soft penetration and offers a style that can be enjoyed well into old age.
Article by Jayne Blackman, Huffington Post – 10 September 2015